There I was. In the bathtub, finally able to relax and unwind for the night. Got the kids in bed, animals were quiet, husband was playing a game, water was nice and hot, worship music on… When suddenly the Lord said, “Whatcha doing? Ready to write it?” I smiled, and thought, “I’m listening. What do you want me to say?” “Write IT…” So I got out of the bath tub (5 minutes in…) and here I sit at my computer; here’s the story.
I have only told a handful of people this story. This is a personal testimony of what the Lord has done in my life. This story will span over quite a few years, but I will do my best to relay the story in a way that shows you the power and amazing faithfulness of God.
I grew up at our local church in Pittsford since I was about 9 years old. A few years after my husband and I got married, we decided to set out to attend another local church nearby. No fault of our church in any way, I left for very personal reasons; I needed to find my faith outside of the family I grew up with. Right or wrong, God’s hand was ever upon this.
While at this new church, my husband and I grew in so many ways, especially in our marriage. Yet, there was this unsettling in my spirit I could not shake. No matter how hard I tried to find the answers to this, nothing seemed right. I questioned the Lord often, there were few answers in return. I tried to fill this unsettled spirit with friendships, desires, dreams, ambitions… still nothing. “What do you want from me Lord?? I’m made for more than this, I can feel it, what is it you want me to do??” I began to become frustrated with the lack of fulfillment, and the lack of God speaking to me. As time went on, I asked less and less, and prayed less and less, and cared less and less. Until I just let the unsettled spirit become the normal.
A few years into our new church life, the pastor presented a sermon that set in motion the life changing experience with God I would have. The sermon was a simple one. He told his congregation, “Today, I want you all to pray and ask God to reveal one word. Just one. What does the Lord want you to focus on this week?” Ah ha. Here it is… I will ask and he will give me my focus, perhaps it’ll give me the answers I seek. I thought perhaps the word will be family, kids, evangelize, share, serve, leadership, missions.. you know something super spiritual or relevant. So we bowed our heads in prayer and the pastor prayed over us as we asked the Lord for that one word. Here it goes… “God, speak to me clearly. What word do You want me to hear?”
“Be.”
……”I’m sorry, what? Be what? Be with me kids more? Be awesome? Be kind? Be a leader? Be patient with my husband? Be what? Are You for real right now??”
Needless to say, I left church that day beyond frustrated. Be what?? I kept thinking it over and over. Did I hear wrong? No, it was clear. Be. That was His word to me. So over the week, I continued to ask God for clarification. And got nothing… As time went by, and the silenced remained, I pushed the word aside and continued to live this unsettled lifestyle, trying to serve the Lord despite knowing there was something He needed me to learn. His voice was silent, my prayers grew silent, and before I knew it, I wasn’t really talking with my Lord the way I once did, and yet served Him still on my own accord. Why wouldn’t He speak to me? It would take forever to explain all the emotions and confusion that was surrounding me. As a mom of crazy kids, I was feeling even more unsettled. I began to be overwhelmed with guilt for not feeling like I even had time to spend with the Lord any more. My kids, job, lifestyle was controlling all my time. Yet I knew quality time with the Lord was important. If I couldn’t give Him my undivided attention, then I gave Him very little…
About a year after that sermon, the Lord called us out of that church and back to our former church (the church I left for very personal reasons). Leaving our new church came with a lot of tears, a lot of fighting, a lot of pain, and a lot of spiritual warfare. I won’t get into that now, but it wasn’t a pretty experience. Leaving, I felt like a wounded soldier from battle, betrayed by his own country. Coming back to our former church was like being a wounded solider from battle who was thrown back onto the battle field and expected to fight. I wasn’t ready. I was hurt, I wasn’t speaking with God very much, I had fear, I had anxiety, I had guilt and regret. The first day back, I sat in the pew and couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t feel. I was numb. I wanted desperately to hear God’s voice, and yet was so ashamed for putting Him on the back burner, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything at all. The worship band played, I cried some tears of frustration, and we went home. Growing up there, the church felt like home to me, but there was a disconnection from the people. It was like having a bunch of strangers in my house. I knew my surroundings well, but not many people knew me. I felt alone. I felt friendless. What was happening? I left those closest to me at the other church, they were my people. Feelings of betrayal, loneliness, and confusion took over. So I did what I do best. I served. I quickly got involved with our VBS (vacation bible school) program and helped with teaching the kids. That week, I heard about a missional worship night we would be having in a few months. A whole weekend of pure worship with a team from Brazil who we were partnered with in missions. Now being a worship leader myself for years and years, I rarely had the chance to just be in the crowd and not serve. I felt a pull to be there. So I went. I stood there in the crowd listening to this amazing band play music, surrounded by sisters and brothers from Brazil crying out to God in their own ways, the lights were dim, and I suddenly broke. Too long I had held myself together. Too long I had been strong. I broke before the Lord. I sat in my chair with my head in my hands and began to cry. One of the pastors got up (who happened to be my brother), and began to pray over the crowd, speaking out words of truth from God. The band continued to play, I cried harder than I had in so long and I began to plead with the Lord…
“God, where are you?? Why wont you talk to me?? I’m here. I’ve been here. I’ve asked. I’ve served. I have cried. I’ve tried. Why can’t I hear you any more? Why have you left me?? Why am I not enough for You? Where are you?”
Then that stupid sermon popped in my head. And for a split second I had a rage of anger in frustration come over me. “BE WHAT????” I shouted in my head to Him. In that second, the pastor spoke, “Be in My presence.” My heart started pounding, as tears poured from my eyes. Through him, I finally heard what God wanted to say, waited to say to me in the moment. “Be in My presence.” God whispered. “You need not do anything else, but to be in My presence. Let Me heal you”
So why is it so important for me to share this story? Well, from that point on, my relationship with the Lord drastically changed. The guilt of “never having time to spend with Him” changed to spending time with Him through the normalcy of my day; “taking Him with me instead of leaving Him at home.” If God had told me His full answer for me when I first heard that sermon and first asked for my one word, “be in My presence” would not have resounded the way it did in me that night. God’s timing is not only perfect, but it’s intentional. My heart would not have been ready and broken enough to receive His life-changing wisdom. The pressure was off, and I found that I was allowed to simply just be in His presence. Whatever that looked like, I could rest there, and find my peace. Even now, three years later, whenever I find myself back in my rut of time management or lack there of, I remember those words and invite the Lord to join me on my journey for that day. Walking with Him is a daily choice, it’s on purpose, it’s intentional. Choose to walk with Him daily. Only then can you encounter a situation and simply ask, “God, what would you have me do here,” in full confidence that He will speak.
“If You say it’s wrong, then I’ll say no
Spirit Lead Me*Influence Music & Michael Ketterer
If You say release, I’m letting go
If You’re in it with me, I’ll begin
And when You say to jump, I’m diving in
If You say be still, then I will wait
If You say to trust, I will obey
I don’t wanna follow my own ways
I’m done chasing feelings
Spirit lead me…”
Unleashed 